transitions.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

i know a girl, who puts color into my world.
this december holiday, many bad things happened. but i guess its better not to rake it up.
i wanna give thanks to my parents, and my friends. and of course, stella.

i think sometimes among the bad things in life, many good things do happen too. well at least it happen to me. maybe its because of all the bad things happening in life, we fail to see what is around us, which is the only good thing happening to us. sometimes i'm pretty certain when life is bad, there will be a light somewhere to guide you.

for this christmas, i feel special. i didnt get to spend it with stella. but i stayed at home for the day. maybe its boring, but at least i know someone out there has me in her thoughts. i think just that alone is great enough.

this few days i been talking to a lot of people. including my own parents, my brother and even my primary school mates, friends etc. it seems to me that everyone have relationship problems and its maybe because talking to them made me realize how many mistakes i made in my own relationship.

you know... stella.

im sorry for being a mean ass and often being very insensitive. often when you try to forget about the bad things that happened to us, i always had to rake it up and make you feel worse.
often when you tried your best to be the bestest and sweetest girlfriend you can be, i often compared you to other girls not knowing how much you changed for me. i often ask you to be who i want you to be, forgetting that you never asked me to change. maybe its only now that i realized, i often gave you my problems and burdens. directly and indirectly.

one thing that i failed to see, is that you always accepted for who i am. you never tried to change me, but you always wanted me to be what i am. the darwin that you like 4 months ago, that laugh and eat everytime he sees you.

the darwin that always bring you smile, not tears.
the darwin that who always brought you laughter.
the darwin that always give a big bear hug.
the darwin that was never so problematic.
the darwin that made you felt like you were important.

over the 4 months, i think i changed a lot. sometimes i can't remember who i am.

we should be happily in love. just simple love.

i wanna thank you, stella. for putting colors into my life.
i want to smile like how we always do.

i appreciate everything you done for me. thank you. everything.......

and apologies to my friends. if i had neglected in any ways, my deepest apologies. thank you you guys for being there for me.

12/27.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

the sky is crying, my world is crumbling.

every droplet of rain that fell from the skies, covered the tears on my eyes.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

this and that.

i should go to counselling, like seriously.

all i want for christmas is you.

sighs.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

~~she doesnt know that only she can take away the misery i have now.~~

i must overcome by this myself. i must :')

would you still love me and be there in the morning when i wake up?

Friday, December 15, 2006

bye, darwin darwin.

you should die cause you are dumb and stupid.

it feels like the end of the world for me.

no more energy.
no more adrenaline.
no more love*

last time when i said.
i lost myself.
i didnt really lose myself.
but
now
i really did.
i lost myself, and i lost.

so tell me now.

...

...

maybe its pointless to tell me anything now.

because i already lost all hope.

on today
12/15/2006.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

so.

maybe today i will blog abit on my singapore life.

so this afternoon i went to ewen's house. well ewen moved his house so i had no choice but to take a cab to this house. but that smart alec moved his house just like one bus stop after his old house. so, there isnt much of a diff. haha cause i still love ewen's house cause its always so cozy with his ikea items.

so we talked quite a bit till it was dinner time.

well, we went to teckghee square to eat. dang! singapore food was like good. 1 year of american food almost killed me.

i had: sugarcane juice, fried oyster, hokkien mee, and carrot cake ( chai tao kue )

then i even went to buy 2 bun to eat.

afterwards wanted to find ppinnnggg but she was busy so we went to andre house instead. but ewen insisted on going home to bathe cause he was feeling sticky! ( so was i ) so i went to his house afterwards with him. well then we took a cab to andre house.

when i saw andre i was like THANK GOD he wasnt orange red or blue ( ok his hair ). but i was like OMG! why are you so skinny! hahahahahha. we went to eat some prata and chat. he took his basketball and he made a slam dunk on the ring and we video taped it. he fell down for the first try because the floor was wet. hahaha instead of going up to help him, me and ewen just started laughing cause when he fell he looked like an total idiot. hahaha but yeah, he managed to do slam dunk. well that ass. then it started to rain while me andre and ewen ran across to his house area.

so we sat there and chat for a long long time. oh ya we were drench,but dont worry we wont catch a cold cause singpore is way too hot. lol. so we chat and chat. ok in short, its called catching up. hey afterall, i have been away for a year. so andre was telling about his ____ life while ewen talked a little while i talked about mine a little. andre is still so " guai lan " as ever, making jokes out of people's life. people's misery = his joy. HAHAHA, saddistic as it sound, but it was really funny. hes lame ( but i cant believe some girls find him cute ). dang! im shocked HAHAHA right DRE?

we talked quite a lot, especially on JC life ( i never had one )and i talked a little on my dumbassamerican life. we thought a lot for the future, and all of a sudden i felt lost.

like,

in primary 4, i got into em2. which is a so so bang. in p6, i got a so so psle grade and made it to maris stellla high school. a school that is good, not very good, not bad, nor very bad. i was kicked to a shitty class and came out with a good result, not very good, not bad nor very bad results. then i went to america to study. i was a compsci major and i quit and joined the business major. ( pretty much loser ). then afterwards i applied to many uni, and changed my major to econs cause i had to. in america, i got a good, not very good, not bad, nor very bad gpa, and i got into a good, not very good, not bad, nor very bad university, ( UCSD , go tritons- toast you bruins calbears ). and yeah im still surviving. and i started to think, shit? my life is such a mess now. cause whatever i have now its just so so ...halfway dangling. its not good, not very good, not bad, nor very bad. its just like that. its not a hard life, but its neither an easy life. im like..okay. this is .... well well.weird isnt it. i wished i could excel but i never could, but neither did i fail. ( hopefully, but that has always been the case for me ). im just freaking lazy. soon enough i will graduate and go to the society one step earlier than my friends, which is dang- upsetting and im scared.gotta think of ways to get rich.

then we talked about ghost stories that we got freaked out.

so it was like 5 am in the morning and i went to andre house to pee. then we chatted a bit till mommy called ( she almostkilled me ).

so we went home at 6am... ewen took a cab. i tried flagging for cab but the cab didnt want me. it was GREEN but they dint wanna take me. those bloody taxi drivers. they are sure sucky in driving..

i was so pissed i took a bus home.

the sound of the ezlink, was like. HEH its EZLINK! i boarded the bus, it has the same route that goes back to my house from my high school. hahahaha. so many things changed ( not really ). singapore has spent millions of dollars decorating the city. the MCD in TP became 24 hours ( HEY USA, EVEN SG HAS 24 hours MCD ). afterwards, i stopped at the stadium and i walked home from the stadium. thats like 10 minutes walk, pretty far and i had to climb a bridge. it was my old school route. the lights at the outside stadium changed from orange to white. there were just more minor renovations. i cross the bridge and saw CHIJ TOAPAYOH, PRIMARY SCHOOL. and i was like...HEY IJTP. HAHA

reached home and yeaps i hid in the room in order not to get killed by my own mom for coming backso early.

i dont know why but it seems like singapore feels the same to me. i wasnt that uncomfortable seeing the driver seat is one right instead of the left. everything is the sameand i feel the same. talking to ewen and andre was easy too though it we didnt meet up for a year or so. this year, feels the same. i dont know why, but i rmb last time when i went back it felt different. oh well.

then i started thinking about my adorable yet act stupid but so called innocent girlfriend. CHIJ TOAPAYOH. WAO, okay i know its not your school but HEY its IJ. man i wonder why didnt i get the chance to meet you earlier. hahaha i want to see you in your singapore form* YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. but seeing you in ij uniform must be darn cool and we could go dating in uniforms. HAHAHA i have FETISH on IJ UNIFORMS. WELLWELLWELLWELL. i wonder how you looked like when you were in singapore last year.you know its just stupid we were in singapore for like at least 10 years and never got to meet each other and yet we met in america which is over 8000 miles away from singapore. hahaha i really want to roll back the time and see the old you. i dont know why, but i just want to see the old you. you look different then, cause the stella now. the moment i see her, i always seee pengen bobo face. HAHAHA bobo iyo!? ngantuk iyo >< hahaha. rubbish rubbish bissshh.

mommy is angry now she on her radio is damn loud i can hear from here.
girlfriend, comeback singapore already DONT FORGET ME OKAY. remember to go dating with me.

and girlfriend, if you didnt know. its FREAKING STICKY HERE, like you just become so sticky. not cool anymore. smelly too :( smelly smelly. im really dying to see you okayyy. you better come back and meet me. OKAY OKAY OKAY.

i'll post another one soon. hahahaha. i feel so... weird.

singapore is just so weird and wrong without you*.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

last year
PRASETYO ->

this year
PRASETYO ?

as you can see the picture at the right, that prasetyo getting smashed by my egg on his birthday!

hooray! celebration!

i wanna blog but im lazy. so for now, i just want to wish puki tyo a happy birthday! sorry i cant be there. i was airborne. now you're 18, legal for CIGARETTES! SEX (oops ), and lots of things, hahahaha!

LA boi, study hard okay. lets meet up soon in singapore, with your new found girlfriend. tsktsk.

Friday, December 08, 2006

HOW COME NOBODY TAGS MY TAGBOARDS!

sobs.

today is like the eve of my last examination for the quarter! hahahahah it should calls for a celebration, but WAIT. I HAVENT STUDIED ENOUGH!

aaahhh.

man its math.

i should be okay but after reading the materials, okay im not okay!

okay. i better work harder.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

okay!

yesterday was a bad day.

many shitty things happened!

first i scratched my phone. ( hey its a serious shit for me)
i was pissed when my comp hung, then i slammed my keyboard and one of the keys broke! note ( its LAPTOP ).

my exam, nvm. lets just pray that everyone do badly and the curve can become lower.

but despite all the bad things that happened (:

i still love my family.

i love my girlfriend.
(note)
i love my best friends.

i love my good friends.

but im not sure if i love my normal friends. hee!

i still look forward to this friday! fly and see you.
hopefully, i can go through this load of shits peacefully in one piece!.

for some reason, im hungry. and i hate to eat with anyone else other than you*. hoho.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

AAHH FUCKING BETE.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

....... people die in december cause they are lonely, not because they don't want to be lonely!

anyways.

i have been in MacD studying for like a total of 7 hours. thats in 2 days, maybe today i will go again. its hard to pick up the book and start studying.

there were a few things that i would like to mention, but it seems like its better writting on the other side of the blog.

studying is tough, its not really but im a little more, ok much much more lazy than others thus making me more more inefficient than others. i procastinate a lot, i get affected by external events a lot, and my mood for studying changes a lot.

sighs.

i just hope i can get through with the econ test tomorrow. i better do.

dang.

people die in dec, so they'll stop being lonely.
but they dun get reborn to taste the sweet fruits of life.
ever again.

(shit on life else it'll shit on you.)

and darwin?
i was like you a few months back.
i din even try studying.
the feeling isnt good.
really.
so before you become like me, with no choice at all right now,
do something.

do something about your life that you won't and can't regret.
don't give yourself that chance to turn back and blame yourself.
the last thing you want is to feel like blaming someone, but to find that you have no one else but yourself to blame.
you know that oh-so-familiar feeling.
you do know, don't you?

- me

Friday, December 01, 2006

do you know why people die in december?
because they are lonely for thanksgiving and christmas.

tomorrow, perhaps i should kill myself using book particles theorem.
i wonder if i sleep and had sex with my economics book, would i be smarter or at least motivated to study.

i guess not, but i'll sleep with it still.